I am not a skinny girl

I am not a skinny girl.
I hate my body most days. I hate that I have psoriasis. I hate my open-mouth smile. I hate that I've never been in a relationship. I hate that I am lonely. I hate that I am overemotional. I hate that I get compulsive and obsess over shows or trivia. I hate that my range is broken. I hate that I wear a size 14 dress. I hate that I am not as confident as I seem. I hate that I am angry. I hate that I don't think that I'm pretty. I hate that I'm not worthwhile. I hate that I am honest, but withhold a lot of the truth.

Eighteen years, I have been dealing with the things that I hate about myself. Eighteen long years. As a teenager growing into womanly adulthood, I am dealing with a lot more these days. I see what is on the television and in magazines. I see what the world tells me to see. I see what everyone is saying I should look like. I understand what the world tells me, I really do. There are things I love about myself-my laugh, nose, eyes, sense of humor- but I'm not going into that. The thing is, I have accepted who I am, sort of. I have accepted and embraced the fact that I am not skinny. I'm not all that confident, and I know it. I try my best though, and sometimes it's good enough, and sometimes it's not.
I have a hard time with comparing myself to other girls my age, sometimes my closest friends. But if I changed my outward appearance, it wouldn't help how I feel on the inside. I could get skinny and wear a size 6, but if I'm unable to accept myself, none of that matter. I go through days where I am so angry that I'm not the standard. I get so upset after watching a rom-com that I just cry and cry over the fact that I won't get the guy. But, I have begun to accept myself. I like me most of the time. I may not like certain attributes of myself, but holistically, I'm pretty awesome. It has taken me a long long time for this, and I still struggle daily. Every single day. I get angry, sure, but I can't live my life letting that get me down. If I want to, I can change for the better. Whether it's for you or for me is when it becomes an issue. I will not change simply because somebody wants me to. I have to want to do it for myself. But, there will always be a part of me that has this self hatred for some things. It's hard to rid yourself of those things. It's hard to fix what eighteen years has built up.
I am not a skinny girl. However, I am extraordinary in other ways. People just don't know it.