Life changes.

My life has changed significantly since this time last year. Last September, I was a Freshman at Texas Tech University, studying Theatre and English, trying to make it through each day the best that I could. I made a few friends in college, but for the most part, I didn't really make friends; I had theatre acquaintances, and that was about it. College never felt right to me. I did a really good job of secluding myself from my peers in college. Days on end, I would hide out at my grandmother's house where I stayed half of the time, rather than the dorm room that I paid to live in. I didn't sleep well; I would stay up forty hours at a time if I could do it, and a lot of the time, I really wouldn't socialize with people. It's not that I didn't want to see people, but I never really felt like I fit in there. I just couldn't get it all right with the people that I was around.

Unfortunately, staying by myself all the time was my downfall. After I decided to withdraw from Texas Tech, I went home for Christmas break, and in January, I came back to Lubbock, planning to live on my own. I thought that I was ready. Let me tell you something: I wasn't. I had a breakdown when I got back, and ended up in the hospital, forcing a chain of events that were very strange and very difficult to overcome. I ended up living with my Godmother north of Dallas from February through mid-April. While there, I got a dog, Malcolm, who stayed with my Godmother because he's happier there, and his brother is also there. By mid-April, I made the decision and for my own well-being at the time, I moved back to Maryland with my parents.

Maryland... back with the family. I got a new haircut and tried to reconnect with old friends. That... kind of didn't work. But through it all, just the first week I was back there, I met these two guys who ended up being really close to me through the next few months I was there. One was a friend, the other... well, he's my boyfriend now. Has been since mid-May. Also, (because for some reason I feel like she's always been there so I forgot to mention her, although she knows how important she is to me *COUGH*) Mandee came to live with me because of her home-reasons, having another important person in my life. She's become like a sister to me, and she was one of the few good things that came out of moving back to Maryland.

I didn't think I'd meet someone like Chris-- that's my boyfriend. He's a strange guy, but he's my guy. Never thought I'd get as close to someone as I did him. And I love him. So when he left to come to Texas to start a new life, I stayed in Maryland for a month and a half. And you know what I realized? It's like through everything, nothing felt right with him being gone. So, I packed up my car with all of my things and I headed down to Fort Worth to be with him. Now, we are looking at apartments, and he's got a really good job. I'm still looking for a job that will make me happy and pay the bills.

Right now, life is kind of odd. It's a little bit hard and often, it's been throwing me some curveballs, but I'm trying to get on my feet with it all. I'm looking so forward to this new life that I've been given the chance to live. I'm happier than ever. I have my man by my side, and we are doing really well. So what is there to worry about? I'm just taking it one day at a time, seeing how things go. I don't really know where I want to go in  my life right now, but I'm going to get there someday. I'm just glad that i made it to where I finally wanted to be. And I couldn't be happier.

Hello, Puppy

I happen to have a nine week old puppy. He is a Catahoula/Australian Shepherd/Blue Lacy mix. Basically, he's going to be pretty huge when he grows up. His name is Malcolm, or sometimes I just call him Mal. His full name is actually Malcolm Rory Sherlock Wash because I am pretty much just a massive nerd, but I don't think he minds much. It suits him. He is a curious guy and pretty much does everything I don't want him to do in the yard. It's kind of funny. However, he's also friggin' awesome. He is a cuddler, for sure. Right now, as I'm typing this I mean, he is on my lap, asleep. I don't know why I let him do it, since he's going to be much larger when he's older and is going to inevitably think that he can crawl in my lap when I'm on the computer when he's sixty pounds.

It's really interesting, though. I have never had a dog that was mine before. I payed for the little guy myself, and I am currently raising him. It's a totally different experience than I thought it would be, though. I am much better equipped to deal with small children and infants than a puppy. I actually used to be quite terrified of dogs, but I have gotten over that. I wasn't quite ready for the long nights, although he pretty much sleeps through the night now, or the accidents. I know that I wasn't ready to the amount of attention I'd have to give him, but he's worth it. He is protective of me, and I am home base for him. I'm mother. He will sit on my feet when I'm cooking in the kitchen. Malcolm helps me with a lot of things. He teaches me patience and control. He's like a part of me that I can't get rid of now. He also is this little guy that I am totally responsible for. I can't just decide that I don't want him one day. I mean, I could, but that would be absolutely horrible of me. I love him, and I think he's pretty fond of me, too. I do feed and play with him. I love on him. I bathe him. Actually, funny thing about Malcolm: he loves baths. I had to give his brother a bath, and he doesn't like them, and Malcolm was whining to get in the sink as well. It was funny. 

I am really glad that I got Malcolm and that his personality is really shining through. He's curious and smart as a whip, but that also means that he's super defiant and feisty, but I don't really mind. He's kind of like me like that. Hah. But really, he's the greatest. He has really grown on me. Training him is going to be ridiculous, though, since he likes to do his own thing. I'm working on the whole 'sit' thing right now. Oh, and the 'no biting' thing. That's a big one. Half of his biting is because he wants to play and/or thinks you or playing with him or it's because he's teething. A lot of it is the teething. But he has chew toys and a brother to attack all he wants, so I leave him with that. It's no matter. He's a good dog, and I love him. 

Oh, and he really likes my computer. Twice while writing this, he clicked my mouse and I had to fix my blog post. So, that. And now he has the hiccups. No big deal. It's just that a puppy having the hiccups is the most adorable thing ever.

I like well written shows.

I don't really like watching shows that are poorly written. I don't care if I am absolutely in awe of the lead actor or if it's written by one of my favorite writers; if a show is poorly written, I will not watch it. I watch a lot of British television. I mean, I watch a lot of American television, too, but for some reason, I am drawn to British television. I know that it's not just because of the accents. What I have found is that British shows tend to not 'dumb down' things for their audiences and can get more across in seven or eight episodes than an American show can in twenty-two episodes. I have watched shows like Heroes and have loved it... for the characters, but the writing went downhill after the writer's strike during the second season; I know this, and I didn't quite enjoy the show as much after the writing had gone downhill. I love shows like Being Human (the Syfy one in this case) because the writing is excellent and the character development is really well done, as is the acting; I also like the BBC version a lot, but it's so different and the character development is not the same.

I love shows like Sherlock and Doctor Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly, Psych and Merlin, How I Met Your Mother and Bones and Misfits. I have really gotten into Once Upon A Time because it is so well acted and the story line is incredible. The way that they take the fairy tale stories that I have grown up with and given them such excellent twists in beautiful; it is a truly great show in the writing category with the superb back stories and character development. Recently, I got into Supernatural after friends of mine telling me that I needed to, and they were so right. Not only is the acting incredible, but the stories are so excellent. I can understand why it has gone on for so long, and as of now, it only has two consistent actors, so the writing is really starting to form around them.

There is just something about a show that is so well written that makes me so giddy. I love television. Anyone who says that it rots your brain out is watching the wrong shows. Feel free to watch some of my shows. I recommend every show that I've listed above. And you know what? I'm not going to stop watching my shows because people claim that they aren't 'good' or that they 'rot my brain'. I like them, and as as long as the writing is up to standards and the acting is good, I'm going to keep watching. 

I have rediscovered my blogger.

I am alive.
Yes, I have found this blogger once again. It has been since August, I believe, since I was last on here. Honestly, it's because tumblr took over, and I forgot that it even existed, which is quite saddening. I gave up tumblr for Lent, which is going well so far, although I am feeling detached from my internet self a bit, I figured I would come back to blogger and blog more. I find that it is a great way to release my writing and my creativity; writing on here helps me get things off my chest and helps me deal with stress.
I will be writing on here very often, most likely, talking about everything from myself to my puppy, Malcolm, to my upcoming work and doctor's visits and possible social life. Mostly, it's just my life. So, you can follow along and be a bystander or participant in my life. Don't worry. I don't bite. I am just writing, anyhow.
-torrey x

A question in what people think is beautiful.

Often, in pop culture, we see that beauty is defined by how much makeup we wear or what kind of clothes we wear. For this experiment, I took a shower and started.

Left Side (your right side):

:

I left my face completely natural. I didn’t do anything to my hair, all I did was pull it up, I left my face completely bare and wore a hoodie to show what I usually wear. This is how I look on a day to day basis, and I like it. It’s easy and simple and clean. I prefer it.

Right Side (your left):

For the right side of my face, I completely straightened my hair and did all of my makeup, wore a dress and earrings. I guess this is what I would dress like if I wanted to go on a night out or something.

This is what I looked like:

What I want to know is this: which side do people prefer? In my daily life, people only seem to notice me, guys only seem to notice me, if I look like the right side. Thing is, it bugs me. I mean, yes, I do feel a bit more confident and more sexy if I wear makeup and a cute dress, but does that really take away from the fact that I think I look beautiful without makeup and hair being done? Why has society told us that we have to be all dolled up in order to be beautiful? I’m not saying that makeup is bad, I’m just wondering why we have to wear it to feel good. Honestly, I want to know an answer to why people tend to gravitate toward the right side.

A Trip Down Highschool Memory Lane...

I graduate from high school on Friday. The 3rd. I graduate. This is completely mind blowing. There is so much that I have done that revolves around school. Every weekday for most of my life has been spent inside a building with rules and people, and I am completely unsure of what life is going to be like next. I mean, I'm heading to university at Texas Tech and all, but I don't know how different that will be. Everyone says that college is a googolplex times better than high school, but I don't know if I trust people's judgment on the subject. I guess I'll just have to dive in on my own. Yes. Well, since I have been thinking a lot about the four years of my life called high school, I thought I would review my high school experience. Be prepared. Angst is bound to appear somewhere.

PACE HIGH

Freshman Year, 2007-2008:
I really enjoyed Freshman year. Except for Algebra. I didn't like Algebra. This was the first year that I truly was tested with who were my friends and who were using me. Unfortunately, I got used a lot by people for my smarts, not that I regret being smart or anything, just the being used part. I got closer to Audrey in Freshman year, something that was awesome. I think we ate lunch together this year, which was cool. I liked the block schedule of Pace High, and I miss it. This was the year that Shakespeare really impacted my life. Mrs. Schlenker, my Honors English teacher, not only taught us about Shakespeare, but we read 'Much Ado About Nothing', which is one of my top favorite Shakespearean plays. She let me borrow some of her Shakespeare books, something I didn't return until the end of Sophomore year. I also believe that I read every single book on her bookshelf, which was pretty impressive if you think about it. She was my favorite teacher that year. This was the year I decided to take Chorus (meh) and Intoduction to Theatre. I made some really good friends in that class, but overall, I didn't like Into to theatre. Some things went down that I didn't like. Eh. What else?  Oh, this was the first year that I was a vegetarian, something that caused a lot of controversy in the area with the people I was around. It caused a problem during Honors Biology dissecting time; I refused to do it on moral grounds, and the teacher (Coach Gill?) threatened me with a five page paper on a sciencey thing. I delivered a well written (for a Freshman), six page paper on the similarities and differences and cohesive existence of the theories of Creationism and Evolution. That went over...well. Hah! I did my first high school theatre performance as well, which was High School Musical. It truly is as painful as it sounds, but it was fun. I can't bring myself to watch the dvd, though. This is the year I found the best Youth Group I've ever known, and I miss it to this day, Woodbine Methodist. Still, ninth grade was my second favorite year in school. Fantastic.

This is me from Freshman Year. MySpace was cool, so this angle was cool, too. Don't judge. I was only fourteen.

Sophomore Year, 2008-2009:
I liked Sophomore Year, too. It was nice. In case you didn't know, (which you probably don't) Audrey is my best friend. And this was a year that was interesting for us. She joined tennis, I think, and started driving. I didn't. Mostly because I'm not fit enough to play--wait, you meant driving? Oh yeah, I was just lazy. However, point: we actually had classes together for the first time. English first semester and Chem second semester. Hah. English. I still have the DVD of Hamlet Act 5 that we had to do for a project, and I literally cried when I watched it. It was awful, but we thought it was brilliant. Sophomores think they own the world, don't they? Anyhow. This is the year I took French 1&2 and I fell in love with it. Madame Christenberry will forever go down in the books as one of my favorite teachers ever. Hmmm... I dropped theatre this year. That may have been the healthiest and hardest decision I ever had to make in high school. There were some things that went down, and I just couldn't deal. However, my friends were still mostly all theatre kids, so I was there two nights for every show, sitting in the front row, cheering on my friends for all of their talent. I remember being so proud of Madeline when she was the lead in Pride and Prejudice. I was so happy for everyone. I got to go see Rocky Horror Show live this year, and it was amazing, especially since I saw it with Emily. I don't remember a lot of Sophomore year aside from hanging out with friends--oh wait! I went to every single Home football game. You thought I didn't like sports... *Scoff* No. I just don't understand them, and by them, I mean football. Mostly, I just liked Sophomore year. It was sad to leave my friends because I moved, so it was a bittersweet year.

This is me from Sophomore Year. Shorter hair was the thing that year. At least, after November. Still, my face shape :| Wow. Hah.

LEONARDTOWN HIGH

Junior Year, 2009-2010:

This year sucked. This was my least favorite year of high school. I wouldn't go back and redo Junior Year if you paid me. Granted, I did meet wonderful people this year like Carrie, Jeannine, and Christina. Junior Year, I decided that AP Classes were the crizazy cool thang, and took three of them. Mistake. I didn't do so well there. They don't really tell you that Junior Year will be the hardest, but it is. To top it all off, I got back into theatre this year. They put me into Theatre 2, and I met some people I honestly would not be the same without *cough CONNOR cough*. It was an...interesting thing, Theatre 2. I already knew all of what they taught, but it was a hard year with the teacher. Up to this point, my history with theatre teachers is just sad. And frustrating. I did do a musical though; Thoroughly Modern Millie. It was a good musical, just...a lot of drama in Drama, especially with the director. It was hard, but I had one of the best one liners of all time that was more of a paragraph. Plus, I got to wear a wig. Yo. Not a lot happened since it wasn't my favorite year. Favorite teacher that year, Ms. Curran, my AP Language and Composition teacher, for sure. She's so nice and sweet, and I hated that my class was so rude to her. Interestingly enough, that's where I met Christina and Sarah, though, so that was cool. OH! WAIT! This was the year I really got into YouTube and found Nerdfighteria through the VlogBrothers. It was amazing. Also, this is the year that we got Netflix. Netflix allowed me to get into a lot of what I love: Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Favorite show of the year. Yes. Hmm... I also got into YoungLife this year. So, even though it was my worst High School year, it was still alright. Sort of. It balanced out sometimes. 

This is me from Junior Year. I love those glasses. Seriously. You can definitely see the change from Sophomore to Junior year.

Senior Year, 2010-2011:

Senior Year was the best. Not only did I have the easiest classes, but I only had four because I took a half day. Also, I could drive to school, which was AWESOME. Seriously. I took AP Literature this year, which was my favorite class. I love reading so much. This was the year that musical theatre took over. I was in Into the Woods as the Stepmother, a favorite role of mine. I got dedication on one of the days, which in theatre is a very big deal. I loved it all. The second semester is when I made a lot of great friends and got close to a lot of people. I started being... liked? I guess that's the word. It was an interesting thing, because I have always had this feeling that I wasn't likable or that I shouldn't have friends, and this changed Senior Year. (I still don't understand why or how I have friends...don't judge me.) A significant change this year was that I decided to go for a straight fringe (bangs) which I both really loved and really regret because it is taking me forever to grow them back out again. I did two One Acts this year, which was new, and I rather enjoyed that. Connor introduced me to some new musicals that have made my life grand. Seriously. OH! I went to NYC for the first time this year in October for a wedding and then again in April for a theatre field trip. I saw my first Broadway shows, a straight play and a musical. I saw Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo which was an absolute mind trip and I loved it. It had Robin Williams. We also saw How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying with Daniel Radcliffe and John Larroquette. From that show, Chels and I became obsessed with Christopher J. Hanke who played the delightfully hilarious villain. The trip showed me how much I really wanted to be on stage and drove me to be an actress. I got into Texas Tech for and English major, and have decided to double major in English and Theatre and see where it takes me. What else... Oh. I won Prom Queen. Not a big deal. Hah. OH MY GOODNESS. I also got into really nerdy things. Like, DOCTOR WHO. New favorite show. I never thought anything could beat Buffy, but I readily admit that it does. Really, that's about it. I had a wonderful Senior Year. I mean, there were definitely large ups and terrible downs, but that's life. 

This is me Senior Year. Long hair. Slimmerish face. Yes.

Overall, High School has been an experience. I'm ready for the new chapter in my life to begin. And I welcome it with open arms and no regrets.

I am not a skinny girl

I am not a skinny girl.
I hate my body most days. I hate that I have psoriasis. I hate my open-mouth smile. I hate that I've never been in a relationship. I hate that I am lonely. I hate that I am overemotional. I hate that I get compulsive and obsess over shows or trivia. I hate that my range is broken. I hate that I wear a size 14 dress. I hate that I am not as confident as I seem. I hate that I am angry. I hate that I don't think that I'm pretty. I hate that I'm not worthwhile. I hate that I am honest, but withhold a lot of the truth.

Eighteen years, I have been dealing with the things that I hate about myself. Eighteen long years. As a teenager growing into womanly adulthood, I am dealing with a lot more these days. I see what is on the television and in magazines. I see what the world tells me to see. I see what everyone is saying I should look like. I understand what the world tells me, I really do. There are things I love about myself-my laugh, nose, eyes, sense of humor- but I'm not going into that. The thing is, I have accepted who I am, sort of. I have accepted and embraced the fact that I am not skinny. I'm not all that confident, and I know it. I try my best though, and sometimes it's good enough, and sometimes it's not.
I have a hard time with comparing myself to other girls my age, sometimes my closest friends. But if I changed my outward appearance, it wouldn't help how I feel on the inside. I could get skinny and wear a size 6, but if I'm unable to accept myself, none of that matter. I go through days where I am so angry that I'm not the standard. I get so upset after watching a rom-com that I just cry and cry over the fact that I won't get the guy. But, I have begun to accept myself. I like me most of the time. I may not like certain attributes of myself, but holistically, I'm pretty awesome. It has taken me a long long time for this, and I still struggle daily. Every single day. I get angry, sure, but I can't live my life letting that get me down. If I want to, I can change for the better. Whether it's for you or for me is when it becomes an issue. I will not change simply because somebody wants me to. I have to want to do it for myself. But, there will always be a part of me that has this self hatred for some things. It's hard to rid yourself of those things. It's hard to fix what eighteen years has built up.
I am not a skinny girl. However, I am extraordinary in other ways. People just don't know it.